Looking Back. . .

I know many of you have read my last blog and I don't expect anyone to read it again, but it seems appropriate to look back to it today.  Today is miss Emery Hope's estimated due date.  Thinking back to July a lot has happened and a lot has changed.  Where a lot of couples grow apart, me and Joey have grown closer than we ever imagined.  Our personal relationships with Christ have been strengthened and we are seeing Christ more and more in each other every day. 

It has not been easy.  We both have struggled greatly with what feels like PTSD.  I have dreams which are incredible about Emery, but I also have nightmares.  Which are awful.  Joey has been in constant fear of me passing out and dying, because I passed out with my eyes open and stopped breathing after we got home from the hospital.  Some things can be hard to move past.  We have seen amazing hope and healing though.  It gets easier everyday.  Many of you know how passionate about Young Living oils I am.  They have helped us so much.  Joey is using a kit to help people with PTSD and it has helped him be truly happy again, even when there are bad days.  And I have been using the oil, Acceptance, every day and I can't fully express how wonderful it is and how much it has helped me.  God has been able to use these oils to heal us.  I am so beyond grateful for that. 

We think of Emery and talk of Emery daily.  She has changed our lives. We felt what true love at first sight feels like when we laid eyes on her.  We love each of our children, but Emery was the first we actually were able to see and hold.  It is a priceless memory.

I think God likes to show us things in our dreams to comfort us sometimes.  I haven't told many people this, but when I got home I would have dreams all the time about Emery being a full term baby.  One of the dreams she was in a place where I remember seeing streets of gold which would be heaven.  It was the most amazing sight a mother could ever see.

I take great comfort in knowing all three of our children are surrounded by loved ones on streets of gold.  It's so crazy to think about how if we hadn't have ever miscarried we would have a two year old, a one year old, and a newborn right now.  Our lives would be so vastly different. 

Me and Joey would like to thank each and every person who has walked this road with us. And we ask that you pray for the couples out there going through the same trials in life.  And pray that they see the love of Christ shower over them when they turn to Him in their troubled times.  God can comfort us and heal us and give us a purpose through our troubles. He is the path to true healing.  He does not cause our sadness, but will bring good out of the bad if we let Him. God truly has brought joy to our lives in seeing how much Emery has blessed others. 

^"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

 

Emery Hope

On Wednesday morning, July 23^rd, I woke up and called the OB office.  I had been having what I thought was probably just Braxton hicks contractions, but I had been bleeding a little as well, so I figured it was better to make sure everything was ok.  The doctors had me come in within a couple of hours to do an ultrasound and check things out.  When the doctor started the ultrasound he immediately saw what the problem was.  They told me I have an incompetent cervix.  My cervix was no longer closed and I was in pre-term labor at 18 weeks pregnant.    There was a little bag of water on top of my cervix and our little one’s head was resting on top of the bag.  Things were not looking good. They wanted to admit me immediately and told me what the plan was.  I was to be tilted backwards in the hospital bed for at least 24 hours to try to get the bag of water to move backwards.  If that happened I was to be getting surgery to get a cerclage put in to close my cervix.  They would keep me on bed rest after that and then once I hit 24 weeks I was to be sent to Hawaii to wait to give birth there. 

(18 weeks, right before going to the hospital)

I was becoming very nervous and extremely uncomfortable being tilted backwards and not able to move.  I was also in a lot of pain because I was still having contractions pretty frequently.  After a couple of hours they sent me to have a more detailed ultrasound done to make sure our little one was developing ok and to check to see if there were any issues there on top of the incompetent cervix.  They also were able to tell us the gender and we found out our precious little one was a little girl!  This was an exciting moment for us even though we knew things could still go horribly wrong.  The technician was able to tell us that she looked great and seemed to be developing normal and still had a strong heartbeat.  He also pointed out that she was quite active and that she would not move her little hands away from her face!  Very stubborn.  Definitely just like mommy and daddy.  

                On a side note:

When I was in high school I decided I wanted to name my first daughter Emery.  The meaning of this name is brave and strong.  It is mostly known as a boy’s name, but I thought it was too pretty to be a boy’s name.   Originally, we wanted to name her Emery Shea, because my brother’s middle name is Shea and he has always been a great influence in my life.  After I started struggling with having Hyperemesis Gravidarum along with being so sure we miscarried at 12 weeks, we decided we wanted to give her the middle name Hope.  Because, she had given us so much incredible hope in our lives.  So her name became Emery Hope.  A brave giver of hope.  

After the ultrasound they brought me to my room and put me back in that horrible backward position.  And we waited.  Joey did not stay the night that first night with me, but the nurse was able to give me some Ambien so I slept through most of the contractions pretty well.  

The next day, they came in to do another ultrasound to see if there was any progress.  What they found was not what they wanted to see at all.  Emery had flipped over and stuck her legs through the water pocket.  Her legs were now through the cervix.  Now the plan had changed.  The plan was now to work through my contractions and I would have our little girl within 24 hours.  

I remember, I kept telling Joey, “I can’t do this.  I can’t have her right now.  It’s too early.  She won’t make it.”  I was in a pretty major panic mode.  I was not ready to deliver her at all.  

The nurses were so amazing throughout the entire time I was in the hospital.  Joey and I had to start making decisions for when Emery arrived.  Did we want to hold her?  Did we want pictures taken?  Did we want feet and hand prints?  Did we want tests to be done to see if there was anything else wrong?  Did we want to have her cremated?  It was so much to talk and think about at one time along with being in labor.  The doctors also came in and explained to us what to expect.  They wanted us to know she would be small but she would still look like a baby.  They also made sure we knew that there was a chance she would not be born alive.  It was something I would have to work through and I honestly never was able to work through it.  I just prayed through it and had hope that she would be alive.  That night was really rough.  Joey stayed that night in case she decided to come.  My contractions were extremely strong.  They were giving me a pain med in my IV every few hours which helped a little, but it also made me throw up, so they had to give me nausea medication at the same time.  Throughout the entire night I kept feeling Emery move down more and more.  My night nurse was so amazing.  He helped me work through figuring out if she was coming or not and it was obvious that he genuinely cared for me and Joey.  

The morning of the 25^th rolled around and things had started moving a lot faster.  They called the doctor and gave me medicine for the pain of contractions.  I decided not to have an epidural or any other pain medicine.  I have always wanted a natural birth, so I chose to stick with just having the one dose of medicine in my IV for the contractions.  Which, honestly, seemed like it was no longer working well.  

I’m not sure on the exact time, because things began moving very quickly, but around 6:30-6:45 that morning the doctor came in and told me it was time and I needed to start pushing.  This was very hard for me and I’m sure it was difficult for Joey to watch.  I started to be kind of at battle with myself.  I did not want to push at all.  I wanted her to stay in, but I knew I was not being realistic and I had to push.  So I know that made the process much more difficult.  As I felt him guiding her down more while I pushed it all became VERY real and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  All of a sudden I was out of control crying and the nurses and Joey were being so wonderful and helping me get through the pushes.  

At 7:07 am our precious Emery Hope was born and I was terrified and excited to hold her all at once.  I did not know if she was alive or not. It was the most scared I have ever felt.  Joey later told me he saw her move after I delivered her and that he was overwhelmed with emotions.  He was already such a caring father.  The doctor called Joey over and he got to cut the cord.  This was such a special moment.  I am incredibly thankful that he got that opportunity as a father.  

(Still holding that hand over her face just like in her ultrasounds!)

Once they checked Emery out and confirmed she was breathing, they wrapped her in a blanket and gave her to me to hold.  The doctors then left us alone to spend time with her.  This was absolutely the most beautiful and special moment in our lives.  We got to watch her breathe!  We took turns holding her and hoped time would go by slowly.  We spent about an hour with her staring at her beautiful face and telling her how much we loved her.  We told her she was going to be taken care of and loved on by so many people in Heaven.  

After an hour, we called the nurse in to take her to get her pictures taken. I cannot even begin to express how happy I am that she was alive in our pictures.  The pictures took about 20 minutes, then they FINALLY brought our precious girl back so I could hold her more.  

Our precious little family <3

They had Emery in a cute little outfit so we couldn’t see if she was breathing anymore.  We decided to ask the nurse to check for a heartbeat after we had been holding on to her for about 20 minutes.  The nurse confirmed that she had passed.  While I don’t know for sure when our little girl joined her other two siblings, lots of family, and Jesus in Heaven, I like to think she waited right up till the end when we asked the nurse to look at her.  That may just be wishful thinking for some extra time with her, but that is the story I’m sticking to.  

I decided to hold on to her for a while after we knew she had passed.  Me and Joey stared at her and talked about how perfect she was.  I did not want to let her go.  I knew she wasn’t with us anymore.  She was with Jesus.  But her precious little body was so beautiful I just had to love on her a little more.  Eventually Joey and I got the courage to call the nurse in to take her.  Once we did this we knew there was no turning back.  

Later that day I delivered the placenta, which was a horrible experience.  I post-partum hemorrhaged and they had to keep a close watch on me anytime I got up to walk, because I was borderline passing out from the mixture of being in bed so long and losing so much blood.  I was exhausted and tired of not being able to be in control of what was happening with my body.  

That night, our night nurse sat down and talked with us about everything to expect emotionally and physically.  She told me my milk might come in and that it can be a really emotional experience.  I had no idea exactly how miserable it would be, but boy did I find out the next day. 

She also brought in a memory box.  The nurses had put together this box with all her birth information, hand and footprints, pictures, a card signed by the nurses that helped us the entire time we were there, and the outfit they had put Emery in to take her pictures.  I will forever treasure that box.  It was so unexpected and I can’t imagine life without it at this point.

 

Along with the amazing blessings we have felt through the nursing staff and doctors, we have also felt so blessed by everyone around us.  Not only here in Japan, but also back home in the states.  People we don’t even know have been praying for us.  We feel so fortunate to know Emery has touched so many people’s lives.  God used her even in her short little life!  

Joey and I have such a strong feeling of pride for our little angel.  She has truly been a miracle and a blessing.  

The road ahead is a really terrifying road, but I know we will get through it with faith and the leadership of God.  We now know that along with PCOS and the past of multiple miscarriages, I will also have Hyperemesis Gravidarum along with an incompetent cervix if we do have the opportunity to conceive again.  Things are going to be difficult no matter what for us.  It is something we are having to really talk with God about daily.  Our faith is being put to the test, but that is ok.  I know I’m going to struggle with acceptance.  But I also know God will help us and guide us if we allow Him to.  We don’t have to walk this road alone and we have no plans on leaving God behind. We can’t do any of this without Him.

There is no magic remedy for living with grief.  But living with God can help make the grief a little easier to handle.

“Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.” Psalms 55:22

“By faith in Christ you are in direct relationship with God.” Galatians 3:26

“My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.” Psalm 119:50

Sometimes Life Feels Like A Storm

          I used to spend time during the summers with my brother and sister-in-law back when I was in high school.  There was one summer that will always be one of my favorite memories with them.  I stayed about 2 months and I got to spend some really special time with my niece as she was growing up.  This was back when my sweet niece, Lucy, was still being rocked to sleep and learning how to talk.  Every time she went to sleep there was a CD by Plumb that Paula-Beth had for Lucy to listen to.  Over that summer I rocked Lucy to sleep countless times and grew to love that CD.  At first, every time I listened to it, it reminded me of the love Paula-Beth and Michael had for Lucy.  They were my inspiration growing up and really they are the reason I started dreaming of one day being a parent.  I got to watch them raise this precious girl and I was lucky enough to lend a hand every once in a while. 

          Later on, I started picturing my love for my future children when listening to the CD.  Me and Joey have known we've wanted children from the very start of our relationship.  I remember a time when we were only together a couple of months and we talked about parenting and how excited we were to have kids in the future.  We thought it would be so easy. 

          Now, today, I listen to this album and hear God speaking to me.  I am not in an area of strength...

          Many people don't know this, but the last time I was pregnant I bled heavily for about 1 month before they told me there was no heartbeat and I had to have a D&C.  My levels were still going up and it looked like a normal pregnancy aside from the bleeding.  Along with that I had extreme morning sickness which was actually all day sickness.  I threw up so much that I injured my back and had red dots all over my face from popping blood vessels.  I could not eat hardly anything. 

          I am experiencing the beginnings of similar symptoms.  I am so weak both physically and mentally. 

          I do not question the future for God has a plan.  But, I have no idea what this path holds and I need prayer for me and Joey. 

          I appreciate every single person who has prayed for us and helped us.  Thank you so much.  We have such a wonderful support system. 

          "Clouds will rage and storms will race in, but you will be safe in my arms."

          These are the words from the song In My Arms by Plumb that keep me going.  I know I'm in God's arms.  I know He is protecting me and I know if we do miscarry that He will hold me tight.

In the Hands of God

          It has been a rough road for me and Joey.  We started trying to get pregnant as soon as we were married, which legally was September 23, 2011.  We found out we were pregnant the night before our wedding ceremony in December and miscarried only a couple of days later.  It was an extremely difficult loss for us as we never thought it would happen to us.  The doctor reassured us that it is very common to miscarry a first pregnancy so we continued trying.  A year later we found out we were once again pregnant. Looking back, Joey and I remember saying that we trusted in God no matter what, but I don't think we really did.  We didn't expect to lose another so when that happened at 9 weeks we didn't handle it well behind closed doors.  I think we handled it better than someone without God, but if we had just trusted God throughout everything then we would have given that pain directly to him and been able to move forwards a lot faster.  The second loss really was the most difficult one.  Not only emotionally, but also physically.  But God has a plan.  Those losses have connected me with other women and given me an experience very few can understand.  I'm happy to be able to help others work through their grief of miscarriage.  

          ALL that being said.... WE ARE PREGNANT AGAIN!!  And this time it just feels different.  I'm not scared.  Joey's not scared.  No matter what happens we are trusting in God to lead the way.  Yes, it is very possible we could lose another baby.  But, if that happens then we have the support system we need and the leader of that support system is God.  I haven't gone to a doctor yet, but I'm around 4-5 weeks. VERY early.  We normally would wait to announce, but we figure this time we want our friends and family to walk this road with us every step of the way.  We would appreciate prayer as well!! 

          And, yes... Joey has only been home for a couple of weeks.  I am still measured at about 4-5 weeks though.  I won't go into the details in case guys are reading this, but it is not measured from conception date. Many of you ladies should know this so I won't explain anymore. We have been asked this question a lot surprisingly. haha

          We are extremely excited!  The only thing I have to be nervous about is moving either while pregnant or with a newborn since we have no clue when we will be leaving here.  But, even then I am not all that nervous.  Giving the worry to God and actually enjoying being pregnant right now!