HG is NOT morning sickness!

Today is HG awareness day. This day represents the disease that turned my whole world upside down. Nothing has tested my strength like this disease. Nothing has damaged me like this disease. In my second pregnancy I miscarried at 9 weeks. I only had HG for about 4 weeks. In that 4 weeks I vomited countless times and lost 10 pounds. I threw my back out so bad that for the next year I was battling pain and could barely walk, sit, or lay down on my own. To this day I still struggle with intense back pain from that injury. In my third pregnancy, with Emery, I was hospitalized and on 6 different meds that caused me to sleep almost constantly. Those same meds made me shaky and miserable. I lost over 20 pounds bringing me to weigh 90 pounds. I was a stick. I remember having to have Joey pull the car over on the way to urgent care daily for me to throw up. It was humiliating. This last pregnancy, I had the best medical care, but it was so very difficult to keep going some days. I lost almost 20 pounds. It was difficult to smile many days because I was so weak. I am very thankful for the steroids and my picc line because they got me to be able to eat again even if it was just tater tots for a couple months. HG has robbed me of a normal pregnancy with normal complaints. I can't smell peppermint because it reminds me of being sick. I cant even play the sims cause I did that so much while sick that it has become a trigger and makes me feel nauseous. I can't get pregnant again because I can't handle the damage it does to my body. But, I still won. I got my precious rainbow baby. And he is so worth it. I look at him and I am constantly reminded of how strong I am to go through something so horrific. HG may be hell and it has so many horrible memories. But, it brought me my child and it connected me to so many other strong women. My life is forever changed by it in so many ways.

A New Chapter

It has been months since my last post.  Life got so busy.  But, in the last couple of months especially.  Joey and I have been putting off this announcement for weeks.  Partially because we are exhausted and partially because we are honestly just not sure what the future holds.  I think it is time for us to finally let everyone in on what has been going on though.

In early May we found out we are expecting another little miracle baby!  Our hearts are so full of joy and excitement! ... but also there is this lingering nervousness.  Our past has been rough.  The hardest part in pregnancy with me is dealing with Hyperemesis Gravidarum.  A debilitating disease that quite simply takes away the joy of what pregnancy should be.  I want to take this time to shed some light on this illness because there just is not enough awareness out there and I really want to be real about what has been going on with us.

HG is not just morning sickness.  It is so much worse.  It can't be cured with crackers, ginger, or small frequent meals.  It is the constant feeling of nausea and uncontrollable vomiting all day and everyday.  It is the feeling of your body rejecting any kind of food or hydration.  It is relentless.  HG is unpredictable.  It can begin at anytime and leave at anytime.  It could be gone for the rest of pregnancy or come back at any moment.  The women who are enduring this illness are literally fighting for their lives and the life of their unborn child.

So, what has HG been like for me this pregnancy?

My HG started early this time at 5 weeks and I quickly had my first ER visit to get fluids for being dehydrated.  I had 2 more ER visits shortly after which were awful experiences.  My OB agreed to let me start going straight to L&D for fluids which was a much better experience.  I went there a total of 3 times as well.  The last time I went they blew two veins and were running out of places to give me an IV which was horrible.  They decided to put a PICC line in and hooked me up to a zofran pump.  The PICC allows me to give myself fluids at home which has helped a ton and now I don't have to get a new IV every couple days for fluids.  I've also been on steroids which helps me be able to eat a bit.  I still can't tolerate water, but have been able to keep a few select drinks down like capri sun or Sonic slushies.

Now, for those that know me... I am not a medication person.  I hate it.  However, HG has made it absolutely impossible to take any of my normal supplements that I intended on using while pregnant.  I can't even take medication orally.  I struggle with the prednisone and it is liquid.  There are very few times I will turn to medicine.  This is definitely one of those times.  My body rejects everything good I put into it.  It is possibly the most frustrating thing to experience during pregnancy.  But, without the medicine my body would put myself and my baby at just as much if not more risk.  Hopefully with time I will be able to wean off of medicine and be normal.  However, the chances of HG returning with a vengeance are strong.

It has been really rough.  I've basically been in bed since I was 5 weeks and I'm 11 weeks now.  Just trying to take it one day at a time and thank God for the gift he has given us.  I just wish I could enjoy it a little more.

I want to share some photos of our HG journey thus far.  I'm not looking for a pity party here.  But, I need to be honest and realistic about this.  HG is serious and debilitating.  While we are overjoyed about our little one, we are in survival mode.  It has definitely been an experience.  Trusting in God throughout everything and praying this little miracle inside me stays healthy even though I am struggling so much.   <3

Burst vessels in my face after the first throw up 

One of many  IV sites.  I still am healing from IVs from when I was 6 weeks

First time in L&D.  Some lovely blood on the bed from an awful IV experience.  Joey thought it was a great touch lol

Joey has been amazingly patient and helpful through everything.  Poor guy always was so incredibly bored in the hospital

Last time in L&D after getting the PICC placed

PICC line.  You can see where I blew a vein the day before.  SO painful

Our little jumping bean =D  The reason we are fighting 

My home health care supplies for the week

My view just about every second of the day.  Fluids and zofran pump and on bed rest.  

Growing through the grief...

It is October which means it is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month.  1 in 4 women experience this awful loss.  I'm 4 days in and I haven't made a post yet.  This is because I haven't really known what to say until tonight.

I'm in an interesting circumstance I guess.  While it is such an important month and I would love nothing more than to bond and cry and spread awareness with my fellow angel baby mommas.... Something greater is happening this month.  My best friend is due literally any day now.  She is now overdue and the waiting game is killer!

I promise you I will cry a lot after this child is born. But, not sad tears. These are totally tears of joy.  This child... this gorgeous and beautiful baby girl... is being born. I want all of us angel baby mommas to think about this for a moment.   

I am speaking directly to all the women who have been in my shoes.  This is a really hard topic for us.  Babies. They are everywhere.  When you lose a baby or even after you experience any sort of infertility you become so much more aware of all the pregnant women and newborn babies around.  It's hard to talk about them.  It's hard to look at them.  You avoid all those hospital visits to meet a new baby.  Sometimes you even avoid social media all together!  Some of you may not have gone through this and all the power to ya!  But... sadly, the majority of us have to go through something like this to even be able to function properly.  It is important to grieve.  But, I really want some of you to start trying to look at things from a different perspective.  

Many of these new mothers may have experienced the same stuff... be happy for them because someday... you may be there too!! On the other hand some of them have never experienced anything even close to losing a baby.... don't be jealous or frustrated that everyone is getting "dealt a better hand."  Instead, be joyful that there is a mother that gets to take her little one home.  Be thankful she doesn't have to endure the pain of loss.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Any day now I am going to go to a hospital with my best friend. I'm going to cheer her on and pray for her through an incredible and beautiful birth. I'm going to be happy for her and I am going to be so extremely proud of her strength.  I'm going to celebrate and rejoice for the blessing that Aria is.  And I am going to hold that baby girl and not feel sad for myself.  I may have baby fever to the max by the time I get home.  But, I refuse to be sad about such a joyful day.  

One last thing to my fellow angel baby mommas.... You are some of the strongest women I know.  I pray for you daily.  I feel blessed to know our little ones are in heaven playing together.  If you ever feel alone or lost please message me.  I'm always here to talk or just listen.  Grieve at your own pace, but don't stay at a stand still.  Grow through the grief.  And remember... God will strengthen you.  I love you ladies! 

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10

Looking Back. . .

I know many of you have read my last blog and I don't expect anyone to read it again, but it seems appropriate to look back to it today.  Today is miss Emery Hope's estimated due date.  Thinking back to July a lot has happened and a lot has changed.  Where a lot of couples grow apart, me and Joey have grown closer than we ever imagined.  Our personal relationships with Christ have been strengthened and we are seeing Christ more and more in each other every day. 

It has not been easy.  We both have struggled greatly with what feels like PTSD.  I have dreams which are incredible about Emery, but I also have nightmares.  Which are awful.  Joey has been in constant fear of me passing out and dying, because I passed out with my eyes open and stopped breathing after we got home from the hospital.  Some things can be hard to move past.  We have seen amazing hope and healing though.  It gets easier everyday.  Many of you know how passionate about Young Living oils I am.  They have helped us so much.  Joey is using a kit to help people with PTSD and it has helped him be truly happy again, even when there are bad days.  And I have been using the oil, Acceptance, every day and I can't fully express how wonderful it is and how much it has helped me.  God has been able to use these oils to heal us.  I am so beyond grateful for that. 

We think of Emery and talk of Emery daily.  She has changed our lives. We felt what true love at first sight feels like when we laid eyes on her.  We love each of our children, but Emery was the first we actually were able to see and hold.  It is a priceless memory.

I think God likes to show us things in our dreams to comfort us sometimes.  I haven't told many people this, but when I got home I would have dreams all the time about Emery being a full term baby.  One of the dreams she was in a place where I remember seeing streets of gold which would be heaven.  It was the most amazing sight a mother could ever see.

I take great comfort in knowing all three of our children are surrounded by loved ones on streets of gold.  It's so crazy to think about how if we hadn't have ever miscarried we would have a two year old, a one year old, and a newborn right now.  Our lives would be so vastly different. 

Me and Joey would like to thank each and every person who has walked this road with us. And we ask that you pray for the couples out there going through the same trials in life.  And pray that they see the love of Christ shower over them when they turn to Him in their troubled times.  God can comfort us and heal us and give us a purpose through our troubles. He is the path to true healing.  He does not cause our sadness, but will bring good out of the bad if we let Him. God truly has brought joy to our lives in seeing how much Emery has blessed others. 

^"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

 

Emery Hope

On Wednesday morning, July 23^rd, I woke up and called the OB office.  I had been having what I thought was probably just Braxton hicks contractions, but I had been bleeding a little as well, so I figured it was better to make sure everything was ok.  The doctors had me come in within a couple of hours to do an ultrasound and check things out.  When the doctor started the ultrasound he immediately saw what the problem was.  They told me I have an incompetent cervix.  My cervix was no longer closed and I was in pre-term labor at 18 weeks pregnant.    There was a little bag of water on top of my cervix and our little one’s head was resting on top of the bag.  Things were not looking good. They wanted to admit me immediately and told me what the plan was.  I was to be tilted backwards in the hospital bed for at least 24 hours to try to get the bag of water to move backwards.  If that happened I was to be getting surgery to get a cerclage put in to close my cervix.  They would keep me on bed rest after that and then once I hit 24 weeks I was to be sent to Hawaii to wait to give birth there. 

(18 weeks, right before going to the hospital)

I was becoming very nervous and extremely uncomfortable being tilted backwards and not able to move.  I was also in a lot of pain because I was still having contractions pretty frequently.  After a couple of hours they sent me to have a more detailed ultrasound done to make sure our little one was developing ok and to check to see if there were any issues there on top of the incompetent cervix.  They also were able to tell us the gender and we found out our precious little one was a little girl!  This was an exciting moment for us even though we knew things could still go horribly wrong.  The technician was able to tell us that she looked great and seemed to be developing normal and still had a strong heartbeat.  He also pointed out that she was quite active and that she would not move her little hands away from her face!  Very stubborn.  Definitely just like mommy and daddy.  

                On a side note:

When I was in high school I decided I wanted to name my first daughter Emery.  The meaning of this name is brave and strong.  It is mostly known as a boy’s name, but I thought it was too pretty to be a boy’s name.   Originally, we wanted to name her Emery Shea, because my brother’s middle name is Shea and he has always been a great influence in my life.  After I started struggling with having Hyperemesis Gravidarum along with being so sure we miscarried at 12 weeks, we decided we wanted to give her the middle name Hope.  Because, she had given us so much incredible hope in our lives.  So her name became Emery Hope.  A brave giver of hope.  

After the ultrasound they brought me to my room and put me back in that horrible backward position.  And we waited.  Joey did not stay the night that first night with me, but the nurse was able to give me some Ambien so I slept through most of the contractions pretty well.  

The next day, they came in to do another ultrasound to see if there was any progress.  What they found was not what they wanted to see at all.  Emery had flipped over and stuck her legs through the water pocket.  Her legs were now through the cervix.  Now the plan had changed.  The plan was now to work through my contractions and I would have our little girl within 24 hours.  

I remember, I kept telling Joey, “I can’t do this.  I can’t have her right now.  It’s too early.  She won’t make it.”  I was in a pretty major panic mode.  I was not ready to deliver her at all.  

The nurses were so amazing throughout the entire time I was in the hospital.  Joey and I had to start making decisions for when Emery arrived.  Did we want to hold her?  Did we want pictures taken?  Did we want feet and hand prints?  Did we want tests to be done to see if there was anything else wrong?  Did we want to have her cremated?  It was so much to talk and think about at one time along with being in labor.  The doctors also came in and explained to us what to expect.  They wanted us to know she would be small but she would still look like a baby.  They also made sure we knew that there was a chance she would not be born alive.  It was something I would have to work through and I honestly never was able to work through it.  I just prayed through it and had hope that she would be alive.  That night was really rough.  Joey stayed that night in case she decided to come.  My contractions were extremely strong.  They were giving me a pain med in my IV every few hours which helped a little, but it also made me throw up, so they had to give me nausea medication at the same time.  Throughout the entire night I kept feeling Emery move down more and more.  My night nurse was so amazing.  He helped me work through figuring out if she was coming or not and it was obvious that he genuinely cared for me and Joey.  

The morning of the 25^th rolled around and things had started moving a lot faster.  They called the doctor and gave me medicine for the pain of contractions.  I decided not to have an epidural or any other pain medicine.  I have always wanted a natural birth, so I chose to stick with just having the one dose of medicine in my IV for the contractions.  Which, honestly, seemed like it was no longer working well.  

I’m not sure on the exact time, because things began moving very quickly, but around 6:30-6:45 that morning the doctor came in and told me it was time and I needed to start pushing.  This was very hard for me and I’m sure it was difficult for Joey to watch.  I started to be kind of at battle with myself.  I did not want to push at all.  I wanted her to stay in, but I knew I was not being realistic and I had to push.  So I know that made the process much more difficult.  As I felt him guiding her down more while I pushed it all became VERY real and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  All of a sudden I was out of control crying and the nurses and Joey were being so wonderful and helping me get through the pushes.  

At 7:07 am our precious Emery Hope was born and I was terrified and excited to hold her all at once.  I did not know if she was alive or not. It was the most scared I have ever felt.  Joey later told me he saw her move after I delivered her and that he was overwhelmed with emotions.  He was already such a caring father.  The doctor called Joey over and he got to cut the cord.  This was such a special moment.  I am incredibly thankful that he got that opportunity as a father.  

(Still holding that hand over her face just like in her ultrasounds!)

Once they checked Emery out and confirmed she was breathing, they wrapped her in a blanket and gave her to me to hold.  The doctors then left us alone to spend time with her.  This was absolutely the most beautiful and special moment in our lives.  We got to watch her breathe!  We took turns holding her and hoped time would go by slowly.  We spent about an hour with her staring at her beautiful face and telling her how much we loved her.  We told her she was going to be taken care of and loved on by so many people in Heaven.  

After an hour, we called the nurse in to take her to get her pictures taken. I cannot even begin to express how happy I am that she was alive in our pictures.  The pictures took about 20 minutes, then they FINALLY brought our precious girl back so I could hold her more.  

Our precious little family <3

They had Emery in a cute little outfit so we couldn’t see if she was breathing anymore.  We decided to ask the nurse to check for a heartbeat after we had been holding on to her for about 20 minutes.  The nurse confirmed that she had passed.  While I don’t know for sure when our little girl joined her other two siblings, lots of family, and Jesus in Heaven, I like to think she waited right up till the end when we asked the nurse to look at her.  That may just be wishful thinking for some extra time with her, but that is the story I’m sticking to.  

I decided to hold on to her for a while after we knew she had passed.  Me and Joey stared at her and talked about how perfect she was.  I did not want to let her go.  I knew she wasn’t with us anymore.  She was with Jesus.  But her precious little body was so beautiful I just had to love on her a little more.  Eventually Joey and I got the courage to call the nurse in to take her.  Once we did this we knew there was no turning back.  

Later that day I delivered the placenta, which was a horrible experience.  I post-partum hemorrhaged and they had to keep a close watch on me anytime I got up to walk, because I was borderline passing out from the mixture of being in bed so long and losing so much blood.  I was exhausted and tired of not being able to be in control of what was happening with my body.  

That night, our night nurse sat down and talked with us about everything to expect emotionally and physically.  She told me my milk might come in and that it can be a really emotional experience.  I had no idea exactly how miserable it would be, but boy did I find out the next day. 

She also brought in a memory box.  The nurses had put together this box with all her birth information, hand and footprints, pictures, a card signed by the nurses that helped us the entire time we were there, and the outfit they had put Emery in to take her pictures.  I will forever treasure that box.  It was so unexpected and I can’t imagine life without it at this point.

 

Along with the amazing blessings we have felt through the nursing staff and doctors, we have also felt so blessed by everyone around us.  Not only here in Japan, but also back home in the states.  People we don’t even know have been praying for us.  We feel so fortunate to know Emery has touched so many people’s lives.  God used her even in her short little life!  

Joey and I have such a strong feeling of pride for our little angel.  She has truly been a miracle and a blessing.  

The road ahead is a really terrifying road, but I know we will get through it with faith and the leadership of God.  We now know that along with PCOS and the past of multiple miscarriages, I will also have Hyperemesis Gravidarum along with an incompetent cervix if we do have the opportunity to conceive again.  Things are going to be difficult no matter what for us.  It is something we are having to really talk with God about daily.  Our faith is being put to the test, but that is ok.  I know I’m going to struggle with acceptance.  But I also know God will help us and guide us if we allow Him to.  We don’t have to walk this road alone and we have no plans on leaving God behind. We can’t do any of this without Him.

There is no magic remedy for living with grief.  But living with God can help make the grief a little easier to handle.

“Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.” Psalms 55:22

“By faith in Christ you are in direct relationship with God.” Galatians 3:26

“My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.” Psalm 119:50