Moving Forward From Fear

I was going to start off this blog with explaining my past in detail. My history which defines who I have become.  But I really don't want to go into this again. So here's the short version.

-I am a Christian and love my Lord and Savior with all my heart.
-I am an Air Force wife.
-I live in Japan.
-I am 21
-I've had 2 miscarriages.
-I had HORRIBLE morning sickness with my second pregnancy meaning I couldn't even keep water down.
-I hurt my back extremely bad from throwing up so much.
-A year later and I still have an injured back.
-I believe I have PCOS, but I have not been to the doctor yet. I will know for sure within a couple of weeks.
-My husband is currently deployed in Guam. Yes it is still considered a deployment even though it is a US territory because he will end up being there a total of 6 months.

Ok, I think that about covers it. I will not lie, this has been the hardest time of my life.  I never thought I would go through this much heartbreak at only 21.  But God has a different plan for everyone and I am blessed that He has given me this path even with all the pain and heartbreak.  If I had never gone through all this I wouldn't be able to meet and talk with so many other women who have had similar experiences.   I have been able to help people cope and share God's love and that is an incredible feeling.  But I am still healing and I am constantly falling back into a pit.

I often picture myself as Peter.  When he was focused on Jesus the storm could not overtake him.  But the SECOND he became frightened of the storm he began to be swallowed by not only the water... but by the fear.

Matthew 25-31
Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.
 But Jesus immediately said to them:"Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you in the water."
"Come," He said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"


My incredible husband, Joey, often tells me we can not live in fear when trying to get pregnant. I struggle with this because after 2 miscarriages the fear of a 3rd is overpowering.  But we can not live like that. We can not let the doubt and fear drown us. We must let God be in control.  It is so much easier when we just let it go and give it directly to God. He's got this.